When your child is dying in front of you — sleeping most of the day, missing school, losing friends, losing weight, shutting down, or no longer seeming like themselves — and the school responds by listing everything they have tried, it can feel like you are in two different conversations.

You are talking about your child… They are talking about themselves…

This is one of the most painful patterns parents describe. It is also one of the most confusing, because staff may sound caring while still avoiding the central issue: your child is being harmed, and the current response is not working.

What may be happening

Sometimes staff focus on effort because effort feels safer than impact.

Most school staff do care about children. Many are working in systems with too little staffing, too little time, too little specialist support, and too many children needing help at once. When staff know a child needs more than the school is providing, that can create real distress for them.

One way people manage that distress is by focusing on what they tried.

That can sound like:

• “We have done everything we can.”
• “We have been working really hard.”
• “We care about your child.”
• “We are trying different strategies.”
• “This is a process.”

Those statements may be true. They may also miss the point.

The question is not only whether staff tried. The question is whether your child can access education safely and meaningfully.

Effort is not the same as access

In a well-functioning system, the key question is: Did it work?

In a scarcity system, that question often shifts to: Did we try?

That shift matters. When effort becomes the main evidence, the child’s actual experience can disappear. A school may document meetings, strategies, check-ins, and attempts, while the child remains at home, in distress, excluded, or unable to learn.

Trying matters. But trying does not replace the duty to respond to harm.

Why this can feel like gaslighting

Parents often feel gaslit because they are being asked to respond to the adults’ distress while their own child is still deteriorating.

You may hear a long explanation of what the school has done, how busy staff are, how complex the situation is, or how much everyone cares. Meanwhile, your child is still not okay.

Both things can be true:

• staff may genuinely care; and
• the school may still be failing to meet your child’s needs.

Acknowledging staff effort does not require you to minimise your child’s harm.

Toxic positivity can make this worse

This pattern often overlaps with toxic positivity. That is when serious harm is described in soft, hopeful, or reassuring language that reduces urgency.

For example:

• “They are having some challenges.”
• “They are making progress.”
• “It was just a hard day.”
• “We are staying positive.”
• “They are doing well overall.”

Positive language can be useful when it tells the truth. It becomes harmful when it replaces clear description of what is happening.

If your child is in bed 23 hours a day, that is not “a hard time.” That is a serious health and access issue.

This explains the behaviour. It does not excuse it.

Understanding this pattern can help you respond more strategically. It can help you stop arguing about whether staff care, whether they meant well, or whether they have tried hard enough.

But it does not change what matters.

In a human rights complaint, the key issue is usually impact. Did your child experience a disability-related barrier? Did the school know, or should it have known? Did the school respond meaningfully? Did your child lose access, dignity, safety, or equal participation?

Intent is not the centre of the analysis.

Your child’s experience is evidence.

What to do next

If a meeting or email thread keeps returning to staff effort, bring the focus back to your child’s current access, safety, and wellbeing.

You can say:

I understand that staff have been trying. My concern is that my child is still not accessing school safely. We need to focus on what will change, by when, and how we will know it is working.

Also see: What do I do if staff only talk about what they have tried?