Requesting legally required accommodation is not unreasonable. Feeling “too much” is a common effect of repeated denial, tone policing, and procedural delay—not a reflection of the legitimacy of your request.
What the law guarantees
The BC Human Rights Code establishes that every child has the right to education without discrimination based on disability. The duty to accommodate exists to the point of undue hardship, and undue hardship is defined narrowly: it must involve significant cost, health and safety risk, or operational disruption that cannot be mitigated through reasonable measures. Inconvenience, preference, or resource allocation choices do not constitute undue hardship.
This means that when you request accommodation for your child, you are not asking for special treatment, extra resources, or institutional generosity. You are asking the district to fulfil its legal obligations. The accommodation is not a favour; it is a right. Framing your request as excessive, unrealistic, or burdensome is a deflection strategy designed to shift scrutiny from the district’s failure to your supposedly unreasonable expectations.
How systems make parents question themselves
You might be questioning whether you are being reasonable if:
- the district has described your requests as demanding, complicated, or difficult to implement, even when those requests are supported by professional recommendations and legal frameworks
- you have been told that what you are asking for is not typical, not done in other schools, or not aligned with best practice, without explanation of why your child’s specific needs should be subordinated to institutional norms
- staff have suggested that your expectations are too high, that you need to accept limitations, or that you should trust the district’s professional judgment rather than insisting on specific accommodations
- you have been made to feel that every follow-up email, every request for documentation, every question about timelines is evidence of your unreasonableness rather than legitimate advocacy
- you have started to preface requests with apologies, reassurances, or disclaimers, trying to prove that you are calm, collaborative, and rational enough to deserve response
This doubt is strategic. When you question your own reasonableness, you redirect energy away from advocacy and toward self-management. You become focused on proving that you are not too much rather than insisting that your child’s needs be met. The system benefits from this shift, because parents who are preoccupied with managing their own tone, their own emotions, and their own legitimacy are less likely to escalate, file complaints, or demand accountability.
What “too much” really means
When districts describe parents as asking for too much, they are often revealing their own priorities. “Too much” usually means: too much transparency, too much documentation, too much accountability, too much disruption to existing routines, too much exposure of systemic inadequacy. It does not mean that the request exceeds the legal standard for accommodation; it means that the request exceeds what the district is willing to provide without challenge.
The feeling of being too much is compounded by isolation. When you are the only parent in the room asking questions, requesting documentation, or refusing to accept vague reassurances, you become visible in ways that feel uncomfortable, exposed, and risky. The district reinforces this isolation by framing collaboration as agreement and advocacy as adversarialism, creating a binary in which you must choose between being reasonable and being effective.
What you can do
Anchor yourself in what your child needs, not in how the district responds to those needs. Write down the accommodations you are requesting and the reasons they are necessary. Review the documentation: assessments, professional recommendations, evidence of harm, legal frameworks. Ask yourself: are these requests grounded in my child’s disability-related needs? Are they supported by evidence? Are they aligned with the duty to accommodate? If the answer is yes, the request is reasonable, regardless of how the district frames it.
Stop apologising for advocating. You do not need to preface requests with reassurances that you value the partnership, that you understand the district’s constraints, or that you are trying not to be difficult. These prefaces are extracted through tone policing and procedural gaslighting; they serve the institution, not your child. Write clearly, directly, and without apology: “My child requires [specific accommodation]. This is supported by [evidence]. I am requesting that the district implement this accommodation by [specific date].”
Seek external validation. Connect with other parents, advocacy organisations, and legal clinics that understand how systems operate. Hearing from others that your requests are reasonable, that the district’s response is inadequate, and that your exhaustion is a structural consequence rather than a personal failing can provide the clarity needed to continue. You are not alone in this experience; you are part of a pattern that extends across districts, across provinces, and across decades of systemic resistance to disability rights.
Document the ways in which your reasonableness is questioned. Record the dates, the context, and the specific language used. Note when you are told that you are asking for too much, that your expectations are unrealistic, or that your advocacy is the barrier to progress. This documentation becomes critical evidence in complaints to the BC Human Rights Tribunal and the Office of the Ombudsperson, where patterns of deflection, tone policing, and institutional gaslighting can be named and challenged.
You are not unreasonable. The system that makes you feel unreasonable is designed to protect itself from accountability, and the cost of that protection falls on you. Naming it, documenting it, and refusing to internalise it as personal failure are acts of resistance that make visible what institutions prefer to keep hidden.
If you’re tired of the delays, see Solving problems and consider Making a complaint.